Tag Archives: zombies

Dead and Dirty in Dubai Part 9: Oscar Moments

(Just joining us? Go back to the beginning of the story.)

“Hey lady!” shouted Alex, “Over here!”

They had jumped dramatically through the window of the hotel to rescue Jenny. She caught sight of them and ran over.

“Come on y’all, back in the hotel!” shouted Billy.

The three of them ran back to the hotel and dove through the window not a moment too soon. Jenny’s pursuers howled in heat and anger that their quarry had escaped. The three of them sat on the floor panting, when Billy looked up.

“Oh hey there sweet pea, I wondered where your pretty little self got off to there,” he said, smiling at the woman he met in the bar.

The woman smiled back, but her smile was filled with razor sharp teeth that dripped with blood. She lunged at Alex, biting him on the arm.

“Shit!” he screamed, shaking her off, “Back out the window!”

“Wait!” Billy said, taking a bottle of booze out of his pocket. “Gonna drive off those sons of guns first.” He fashioned himself a molotov cocktail, lit it on fire, then through it out the window. The three followed.

Unfortunately, they found themselves in a writhing mass of horny zombies. To make matters worse, several of the zombies were now on fire. Jenny was the first to go down. By playing hard-to-get, she’d annoyed and upset the zombies even more. Alex was futilely trying to beat of a paramour of his own. Billy, on the other hand, had caught on fire when one of the flamboyantly flaming zombies started to dryhump him.

As Billy went down in flames, he caught Alex’s eyes one last time. Alex looked at him sadly from beneath a pile of writhing bodies.

“Young man,” Billy said, haltingly, “I ain’t known you that long but I got somethin I gotta tell ya.”

“What’s that?” asked Alex, choking back a sob that was partially caused by this heartfelt moment, and partially from the intense sense of violation he felt.

“I gotta tell ya…”

Moaning and groaning.

“…that even though…”

Disgusting slurping noises.

“…you’re just some no-good punk kid…”

“What? What?” Alex shouted, straining to reach Billy, knowing deep in his heart that Billy was going to say what both of them knew, to reveal the powerful forbidden feelings that they’d felt for each other since the moment they’d met. That he would tell him how different things would have been under different circumstances, how this whole horrible apocalypse had ruined everything but still, they’d found a brief moment of happiness in the few minutes they’d spent together.

“…the Baby Jesus loves you.”

Dead and Dirty in Dubai Part 8: How Not to Get a Tip as a Waiter

Bear Grylls looked up from his meal. “Did you hear that?” he asked.

“Well gee Bear I dunno,” said Tim, “What’d it sound like?”

“This is why I’m famous and you’re only the cameraman, Tim,” said Bear. “It sounded almost like…a small bell.”

“There was a bell on the door of the restaurant,” said the doctor.

“I bet it was the bell on the door of the restaurant,” said Bear, “Let’s check it out.”

The trio crept to the door of the kitchen and peeked out into the dining room. There, they were horrified to see several zombies sitting at the tables, pounding their silverware and  loudly demanding their meals.

“Gee Bear, that’s a lot of zombies dontchaknow,” whispered Tim.

“Now look,” Bear said, pulling back into the kitchen “Things look pretty bad right now, but I didn’t get to be the most famous survivalist in the world by giving up when things look bad. I’ve got a plan.”

“Hello!” the three shouted as they glided out of the kitchen wearing the clothes that used to belong to the waiters of Luigi’s. Each of them held a covered silver platter in their hand and they approached the nearest table. The zombies looked up at them and grinned.

“Tonight, for your first course,” said the doctor.

“We’re just so proud to present to you,” said Tim.

“Your death! Um…second death!” shouted Bear, as the three whipped the cover off of the platters to reveal meat cleavers and other various knives.

In the aftermath of the bloody battle, the three sat on the floor exhausted.

“Where’d you learn to be so good with a knife?” Bear asked the surgeon.

All of a sudden, three police officers kicked down the door.

“Freeze!” they shouted, “We’re shutting this place down for not paying your rent!”

“There’s a zombie plague infesting the city and you’re worried about rent?” asked the doctor, amazed.

“You have the right to remain silent, so shut up!”

“Make sure you get this on camera,” Bear whispered to Tim. “Confrontations with armed maniacs always bring the ratings up.”

Bear stood slowly, holding his hands in front of him in a gesture of peace. “Officers, there’s been a mistake,” he said, as he grabbed for the nearest one’s gun. Unfortunately, another one of the officers noticed this and smacked him in the face with a shotgun, shattering his skull. Bear Grylls collapsed, dead.

Dead and Dirty in Dubai Part 7: Sexy Hotel Rendezvous

(Just joining us? Go back to the beginning of the story.)

Billy walked out of the bar into the main lobby of the hotel, zombie chick in tow. He spotted Alex, who was looking around the room in a panic.

“Well now what’s the problem here?” asked Billy.

“There’s a bunch of sex freaks outside,” Alex said, “And pretty soon they’re gonna be in here! We gotta get out!”

Billy took a look out the front door, which had been shoddily barricaded by Alex. The zombies outside were humping the door furiously in an attempt to get in.

“Well now y’all just calm down,” Billy said, kneeling, “We gotta pray to the Baby Jesus for strength.”

Alex looked around the lobby in a panic as Billy prayed. “We can’t go out the front, I guess we gotta break into one of the rooms and get out the window that way,” Alex said, rushing at one of the doors, trying to break it open.

“Hey now calm down son!” shouted Billy, “Don’t go breakin’ those doors down! I own this place!” He took a key out of his pocket and calmly unlocked the door.

Alex ran to the window and looked out. He gasped in horror as he saw Jenny running towards the hotel. “Look, those perverts are chasing that woman! We gotta save her!”

“Alright,” Billy said, “I guess that would be ’bout the most polite thing to do.”

Billy’s date said nothing, but stood in the room drooling on herself.

Dead and Dirty in Dubai Part 6: Umano Parmigiana

(Just joining us? Go back to the beginning of the story.)

Bear, Tim and the doctor made it to Luigi’s fairly uneventfully. Walking into the restaurant, however they were assaulted…by a delicious smell!

“Well gee Bear, that smells great!” Tim said, licking his lips.

“Right, yes, I think we’ve hit the motherload here,” Bear said, beckoning for the camera. “Apparently when the zombie attack hit, the chefs in this restaurant fled, leaving a delicious meal behind for any survivors.”

They walked into the kitchen and soon found the oven that was producing the smells. Opening the oven, they found their worst fears realized…inside was a human body!

How nice of you to join us for dinner,” groaned a seductive voice. Turning around, they saw a zombie leaning provocatively against the door frame, blocking the exit. “Maybe afterwards, we could go to my place for a bit. Or a bite.” The zombie laughed pervertedly.

The three heroes looked at each other, then grabbed the knives off the counter. The zombie was soon dispatched.

Bear motioned for Tim to begin filming him. “Sometimes,” he said, “When you’re in the wilderness and starving to death, you don’t have a lot of choice. Sometimes you have to eat things you never thought you’d eat…”

Dead and Dirty in Dubai Part 5: Indiana Jonesing

(Just joining us? Go back to the beginning of the story.)

In the middle of the city square, a group of zombies rushed from the west to the east, growling and snarling and clawing, blood dripping from their mouths.

On the eastern side of the city square, a more colorfully dressed group of zombies rushed towards the west, moaning and groaning and pelvic thrusting, something entirely different dripping from their mouths.

The two groups met in the center, a frenzy of destruction. Zombies scratched and clawed at zombies who mounted and humped other zombies.

Suddenly, both groups were scattered as a jeep plowed through the center, rendering zombies of both types into colorful stains on the ground.

Inside sat the famous archeologist Jenny Zaland, her driver José, and assistant Phil.

“Remind me again why we had to come back into the city?” asked José.

“Those relics in my hotel room are priceless. We can’t let them be destroyed,” Jenny told him for the thirtieth time.

“Watch out!” shouted Phil, as José swerved around a group of undead women who had planted themselves in the road and were hiking up their skirts at the passing car.

“Those artifacts we found at the site could change the course of world history,” Jenny continued. “We’ve got to get them somewhere where they can be properly studied.”

“Why’d you store them in your hotel room anyway?” grumbled Phil.

As the jeep passed an alleyway, they were suddenly ambushed by a group of sexy zombies who pounced on the car and began drooling on the windshield. José screeched and turned the wheel, causing the car to flip. Jenny was thrown out of the car, but miraculously landed in a soft pile of rotting bodies. José and Phil were not so lucky, though. The car hit a wall and caught on fire. The zombies approached the two, desire in their eyes.

“Shit,” Jenny muttered, climbing out of the pile of bodies. She noticed her archeological pick had been thrown out of the car as well and was lying in the road in front of her. Unfortunately, as she bent over to pick it up she attracted the attention of a particularly perverted zombie who happened to be nearby. He pointed at her and shouted, and she took off running towards the hotel, several randy zombies in pursuit.

Dead and Dirty in Dubai Part 4: Zombie Barflies

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Billy sat in the bar of the hotel, a drink in his hand. He was depressed. His investment had turned out to be a total waste of money. It had destroyed Dubai. Hell, he might even go to prison for it.

The bartender came up to him and put an apple juice in front of him. “It’s from her,” he said, jerking a thumb towards a previously unnoticed woman in the corner.

Billy took a flask out of his pocket and poured some liquor into the apple juice. “That’s more like it,” he said to himself as he walked over to the woman. “So, you come here often?”

“Hey,” she said.

After a moment of awkward silence, his phone rang.


“Billy, it’s the Colonel.”


“Listen, I’m safe in a bunker underneath the facility.”

The woman began to drool on Billy’s shoulder.

“If you can make it here,” continued the Colonel, we can let you in the bunker and we can wait out this nightmare. Together.”

The woman began to groan and paw at Billy. “Hold on,” he told her.

“That sounds great,” he told the Colonel, “Can I bring a friend along?”

“Oh, sure,” said the Colonel, sounding a bit dejected, “The more survivors the better.”

The woman began to nibble on Billy’s neck. “Stop that,” he told her, “I’m on the phone!”

“Anyway,” the Colonel said, “If you can make it here soon that’d be great, it’s kinda lonely down here…”

Billy shut off his phone.

Dead and Dirty in Dubai Part 3: Anarchy in the UAE

(Just joining us? Go back to the beginning of the story.)

Across the city, Alex Patterson — a young, hippy-looking man in his early 20s — stood outside the brand new Stately Hotel, protesting. Over the past few days he had noticed some strange things, like buildings collapsing, explosions and fires, or just how weird people have been acting. Today though, nobody else had shown up to protest with him. He flipped open his phone and called one of his friends.

“Hey,” Alex said, “Where are you? I can’t overthrow capitalism on my own!”

“I’m sick,” the friend said, “Not to mention have you not noticed the chaos taking over the city?”

“That’s probably a good thing,” Alex said, “It means anarchy is winning, I think?”

As Alex was speaking, he felt a hand resting lightly on his shoulder in a provocative manner.

“Hello?” Alex said, turning around, “Are you here to help with the protest?”

Yes…” groaned the man behind him.

“Great! Here, I’ve got some flyers you can hand out,” Alex said, pushing the flyers into the man’s hands, “But I don’t know how well it will work out, the people around here don’t really seem that interested in anything.”

Are you interested?” asked the man.

Oh yes, we’re interested,” growled the people nearby, advancing on Alex. He laughed nervously.

“Well this is great! We can all stand here and protest this hotel then…”

The people moved closer and closer, eventually standing in a huge circle around Alex. They began putting their hands on him and touching him inappropriately.

“Hey, you know, maybe afterwards,” he said, “But uh, right now I’d like to keep my mind on the job?”

The people said nothing, but continued to surround him, becoming more vigorous with their movements.

“Hey look,” Alex said, panicking, “You all are really nice and all, you know, but I think maybe we should have dinner first, get to know each other or something.” He broke out of the crowd and ran into the hotel.

It was worse than anyone thought. These weren’t just zombies. They were sexy zombies.

Dead and Dirty in Dubai Part 2: Man vs. Zombie

(Just joining us? Go back to the  beginning of the story.)

Three weeks later, Bear Grylls and his midwestern cameraman, Tim, were in a helicopter flying over Dubai, en route to their most dangerous mission yet.

“Are you sure about this?” the pilot asked, “The city’s probably under quarantine for a reason.”

“Of course!” shouted Bear, “Think about it, I’ve covered everything! This is the perfect opportunity. Nobody’s ever done a survival guide for a zombie attack. Once I show people how to beat off zombies (and I may or may not mean that in the most sexual way possible) I’ll have taught the world how to survive anything.

“Well gee Bear,” said Tim, “That’s pretty amazing. Once I cut out that gay part that’ll make a pretty good opener. But still, before you’ve just survived the wilderness, dontchaknow, slavering murderous zombies are different!”

“I was in the Navy!” shouted Bear, and that settles that.

“OK,” the pilot said, “I’m gonna touch down on top of that hospital over there. I’m not hanging around here, though. Give me a call on the satellite phone when you need me to pick you up.”

Bear and Tim stood on top of the hospital, looking around to get their bearings.

“Alright,” Bear said into the camera, “First things first you’re going to want to find some food.”

“Since we’re in the city, can’t we just go to a restaurant?” asked Tim.

“Since we’re in the city,” Bear Grylls told the camera, “It’d probably be easiest just to find a restaurant.”

Tim looked over the side of the building and spotted a relatively unharmed place called Luigi’s Bistro over in the distance.

“We’re going to head over to that little place, Luigi’s Bistro, you see over there,” said Bear, showing the camera.

They headed down inside the hospital. There was nothing but silence and darkness as they walked along the corridors, until they came across three zombies smacking a door. The zombies turned and looked at them, then began shuffling towards them.

“As you can see,” Bear said, “During a zombie apocalypse, people can get a little confused. These men over here, for instance, seem to be advancing on us with murderous intent. Luckily, they’re weak from hunger and injury so they’re moving slowly.”

“Uh, Bear?” Tim piped up, “They’re running!”

“Shit!” Bear said, “Nobody told me they’d be so fucking fast! I was expecting the slow kind!” He turns around and starts hacking at the zombies with his knife.

“The important thing to remember about a zombie,” he said, “is that you have to remove the head or destroy the brain. Otherwise they might not really be dead.”

“Try going through the eyes,” advised Tim.

“Stabbing a zombie in the eyes is an effective way to destroy their brain,” Bear said, demonstrating.

After the zombies were dispatched, Bear turned towards the door.

“Hello? Are the zombies gone?” called a voice from behind the door.

“Ah, listen to this,” Bear said to the camera, “These zombies are very different from your garden variety. Not only are they quick instead of slow, they can talk as well!” He turned back to the door. “Yes, come on out.”

Out came a bloody surgeon, wild-eyed and fearful.

“Thank God,” he said, “I’ve been trapped in there for a whole day!”

Bear stuck his knife right up against the man’s throat.

“Alright, hold it right there,” he said, “How do I know you’re not a zombie?”

“Are you daft?” asked the doctor, “How about the fact I’m talking to you?”

“Maybe,” Bear said, “But I’ve already been surprised by your comrades’ speed. It wouldn’t surprise me if you could talk too. You smell like a zombie, anyway.”

“Bear,” whispered Tim, “If he was a zombie he’d be trying to tear your organs out, dontchaknow.”

“Good point,” said Bear, putting the knife away, “I guess two out of three means he’s cool. I’m Bear Grylls. I’d shake your hand, but if I did, I’d probably destroy your entire body.”

“That’s OK,” said the doctor, “I’d rather not have you touching me anyway.”

Dead and Dirty in Dubai Part 1: The Prologue

(Author’s Note: I can’t claim full credit for this story. It’s based on a story several friends and I came up with.)

A few tourists stumbled out of a bar, laughing. In their drunken stupor, they bumped into someone else who was lurching in the opposite direction.

“Hey!” one called, “At least say you’re sorry, jerk!”

In response, the man turned around, jumped on her and began to bite into her skin. The tourists screamed, except one who pointed and laughed.

Three Days Earlier…

A nervous-looking man in a lab coat entered the room where a man known as the Colonel sat.

“I’ve got some news about the research,” the researcher said.

“What’s that?” growled the Colonel.

“Well, there’s good news and bad news. The good news is that it does what it was intended to do. Subjects become much stronger, faster and more agile. Unfortunately, it also seems to drive them insane.”

“Insane?” asked the Colonel.

“Yes sir. They all become extremely aggressive and attack anyone who comes near. The mouse we injected…”

“What about it?”

“Well, we went in yesterday to check on it, and we found the bars of its cage destroyed. We searched all over the lab for it and we eventually found it and killed it, but not before Jenkins was bit, sir.”

“And how is he?”

“He’s in bad shape. He’s in the infirmary now.”

“I see. Well, if that’s all, I’d like to be left alone.”

The scientist left the Colonel alone. He sat in silence for a few minutes, before his phone rang.


“Howdy.” It was Billy, an American investor from the deep south.

“Ah, hello sir, how are you?”

“I’m fine,” Billy said, “But how’s the research?”

“It’s some really amazing stuff, sir, we’ve made some major breakthroughs. We’re about to test it on humans for the first time, too. You should come see for yourself.”

“Well,” said Billy, unsure, “OK, but first I gotta finish saying the grace over my family’s meal, ya see. Always gotta give thanks to the Baby Jesus.”

“Of course, sir,” said the Colonel, used to Billy’s religious fervor. “So should I reserve you a ticket on the next flight over?”

“That sounds fine,” said Billy.

In the infirmary, a doctor walked in and turned on the light. He walked over to a man who lay in a cot, breathing uneasily.

“How you doing, Jenkins?” asked the doctor sadly. As he turned away, however, Jenkins got up. He grabbed the doctor from behind and bit into his neck.