King of Hearts

The King of Hearts is called the Suicide King because he’s sticking a sword in his head. Seeing as he’s also the King of Hearts, you’d think that means that he killed himself for love.

Actually, he made everyone else kill themselves for love.

When he was born the doctors and nurses said he was the most beautiful baby they’d ever seen. Now of course they always say that, but this time it was true.

As he grew older, women loved him. His mother’s friends always talked about what a handsome young man he was, and of course, mothers’ friends always do that but this time they really meant it.

He became a teenager, and girls threw themselves at him. He always won best-looking contests, he even did a little modelling. Women everywhere went crazy for him. They left their boyfriends or their husbands or even sometimes their girlfriends just to be with him.

There was only one problem. The attraction was, and could only be, one-way. He had no desire for sex, and no capacity for romantic love. He could never return their feelings because they were feelings he would, and could, never feel.

As he grew older, he became more and more beautiful and soon it wasn’t just girls who loved him. Even men fell in love with him. Gay, straight, it didn’t matter. When he smiled at you, or even looked at you, you loved him and wanted him in ways you’d never loved or wanted anyone else.

Of course, he could never feel the same way about you.

And so, his admirers began to kill themselves.

Not all of them, of course. But the heartbreak they felt when they realized he could never love them was the worst pain any of them had ever felt. Many just couldn’t cope. Even those that didn’t kill themselves were never truly happy again.

Ironically, the King of Hearts was lonely.

He couldn’t have friends. It was just too awkward to try and be friends with people who felt so strongly towards him when he couldn’t return or even understand their feelings. Not to mention, so many people he knew killed themselves. He was afraid of even trying to get too close in fear that they’d die on him.

And so, eventually, one night, this man, the most beloved human being, this person who nobody could hate and everyone adored, died of a broken heart.

The next day everyone who’d ever met him killed themselves.

And that’s why the King of Hearts is the suicide king.

Icarus’ Yearbook

Keep reaching for the stars! Miss ya man.
– Odysseus

My dad’s gonna be out of town this summer and he’s leaving his chariot at home. One last joyride maybe?
– Phaeton

Thanks for introducing me to Theseus. He’s a great guy, I’m pretty sure we’re gonna get married.
–  Ariadne

Aim for the heavens. You’re sure to make it some day.
– Hermes

Remember all the times we got high? Man you sure loved to get high bro. One day I bet you’ll get higher than anyone!
– Theseus, Original G

One day you’ll go far, young friend. Ride the wind to your destiny.
Have a great summer never change!
– Homer