Tales from an Amsterdam Coffeeshop

This happened a few years back. I was flying back to the states and my plane had a layover in Amsterdam. It was supposed to last only a few minutes, but unfortunately due to laws that had just passed earlier that week after the Netherlands’ government caved into the demands of the terrorist group “Mothers Against Drunk Flying,” our pilot wasn’t allowed to take off until the next day.

I had never been to Amsterdam, but I’d heard good things about their coffeeshops. Being somewhat of a connoisseur of the bean, I decided to see what they had. The experience was totally miserable. First of all, the place was full of smoke! It was a nice day outside and there were windows, but apparently the shop insisted on keeping them closed. Next, the man at the counter tried to tell me they didn’t serve coffee! When I sarcastically asked what they did serve, he asked me if I wanna marry him, which was just plain bizarre. Finally I got fed up and just ordered a pastry.

I don’t really remember what happened after that.

Not How I Remember It (Part 2)

(If you haven’t read it, part one isĀ here)

Well, of course I had no interest in keeping that screwed-up Beatles album, so I took it back to the store the next day. Unfortunately, because I’d already opened it, they couldn’t give me a refund, only store credit. While I was there I spotted Raiders of the Lost Ark on Blu-Ray, which was pretty exciting. It’d always been one of my favorite movies, and I hadn’t even realized it was out on Blu-Ray yet (I’ve checked since. It isn’t).

I took it home and watched it. Most of it was the same, until Indy actually got the ark. After melting the Nazis, he took the ark and used its power to turn the US into a giant fear-based theocracy with himself as the head, destroying anyone who stood against him.

At this point I didn’t even care about wasting the money. Something was wrong with that store, and I didn’t want anything from it in my house, store credit be damned. So the next morning I drove over again, and it’s not there anymore. I went to the grocery store next door and asked them what had happened to the Media Play. The girl looked at me in surprise.

“Where’ve you been?” she asked, “That place’s been closed for years! All of ‘em closed down a few years back.” Just as I’d thought…

So anyway, that’s the story behind this disc. I know it’s a little unbelievable, and I know, like I said, that Raiders of the Lost Ark isn’t on Blu-Ray, but somehow I have it…or at least some version of it. Maybe it’s a fake, but it’s exceptionally well done. If you didn’t know anything about the movie it’s completely believable that it’s real. It starts at 99 cents, I don’t care how much I get for it, I just want this thing out of my house. Happy bidding!

Feedback from winning bidder: I bought this because I thought the guy’s story was pretty creative. I was expecting it to be a stupid fake or something, but I never got to find out. As soon as I put the disc in my Blu-Ray player, my entire entertainment system caught on fire and the disc melted. A——— would not buy from again.