(Just joining us? Go back to the beginning of the story.)
Three weeks later, Bear Grylls and his midwestern cameraman, Tim, were in a helicopter flying over Dubai, en route to their most dangerous mission yet.
“Are you sure about this?” the pilot asked, “The city’s probably under quarantine for a reason.”
“Of course!” shouted Bear, “Think about it, I’ve covered everything! This is the perfect opportunity. Nobody’s ever done a survival guide for a zombie attack. Once I show people how to beat off zombies (and I may or may not mean that in the most sexual way possible) I’ll have taught the world how to survive anything.”
“Well gee Bear,” said Tim, “That’s pretty amazing. Once I cut out that gay part that’ll make a pretty good opener. But still, before you’ve just survived the wilderness, dontchaknow, slavering murderous zombies are different!”
“I was in the Navy!” shouted Bear, and that settles that.
“OK,” the pilot said, “I’m gonna touch down on top of that hospital over there. I’m not hanging around here, though. Give me a call on the satellite phone when you need me to pick you up.”
Bear and Tim stood on top of the hospital, looking around to get their bearings.
“Alright,” Bear said into the camera, “First things first you’re going to want to find some food.”
“Since we’re in the city, can’t we just go to a restaurant?” asked Tim.
“Since we’re in the city,” Bear Grylls told the camera, “It’d probably be easiest just to find a restaurant.”
Tim looked over the side of the building and spotted a relatively unharmed place called Luigi’s Bistro over in the distance.
“We’re going to head over to that little place, Luigi’s Bistro, you see over there,” said Bear, showing the camera.
They headed down inside the hospital. There was nothing but silence and darkness as they walked along the corridors, until they came across three zombies smacking a door. The zombies turned and looked at them, then began shuffling towards them.
“As you can see,” Bear said, “During a zombie apocalypse, people can get a little confused. These men over here, for instance, seem to be advancing on us with murderous intent. Luckily, they’re weak from hunger and injury so they’re moving slowly.”
“Uh, Bear?” Tim piped up, “They’re running!”
“Shit!” Bear said, “Nobody told me they’d be so fucking fast! I was expecting the slow kind!” He turns around and starts hacking at the zombies with his knife.
“The important thing to remember about a zombie,” he said, “is that you have to remove the head or destroy the brain. Otherwise they might not really be dead.”
“Try going through the eyes,” advised Tim.
“Stabbing a zombie in the eyes is an effective way to destroy their brain,” Bear said, demonstrating.
After the zombies were dispatched, Bear turned towards the door.
“Hello? Are the zombies gone?” called a voice from behind the door.
“Ah, listen to this,” Bear said to the camera, “These zombies are very different from your garden variety. Not only are they quick instead of slow, they can talk as well!” He turned back to the door. “Yes, come on out.”
Out came a bloody surgeon, wild-eyed and fearful.
“Thank God,” he said, “I’ve been trapped in there for a whole day!”
Bear stuck his knife right up against the man’s throat.
“Alright, hold it right there,” he said, “How do I know you’re not a zombie?”
“Are you daft?” asked the doctor, “How about the fact I’m talking to you?”
“Maybe,” Bear said, “But I’ve already been surprised by your comrades’ speed. It wouldn’t surprise me if you could talk too. You smell like a zombie, anyway.”
“Bear,” whispered Tim, “If he was a zombie he’d be trying to tear your organs out, dontchaknow.”
“Good point,” said Bear, putting the knife away, “I guess two out of three means he’s cool. I’m Bear Grylls. I’d shake your hand, but if I did, I’d probably destroy your entire body.”
“That’s OK,” said the doctor, “I’d rather not have you touching me anyway.”