Tag Archives: magic

Based on a True Story!

The Legend of Halloween Tim

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Everyone knows about Halloween, but not everyone knows why we celebrate Halloween. Well kids, gather round, because i’m about to tell you.

Many years ago, nobody celebrated Halloween. October 31st was just a regular day like any other. However, an evil wizard had been up to evil tricks and opened a portal to a terrifying nightmare dimension and monsters poured in and started attacking and eating people.

The people went to the king and begged for him to send his soldiers to protect them, but the king was a selfish man and just locked up his gates and stationed his soldiers around the castle to keep both monsters and commoners out.

There was despair and helplessness, and the people considered selling their soul to the Devil for protection, and they were just about to sign the contract when…

A man stepped forward…a man who we to this day know as “Halloween Tim.”

Halloween Tim was, to all appearances, an ordinary man, but he held within his chest a pure heart and a powerful will. He kicked the Devil in the face, then tore up the contract and ate it. His stomach absorbed the mystical power that the contract was infused with, and he became more powerful than any man before or since. He gathered up a militia and led the people across the country, slaying the monsters and restoring hope and joy to the land.

His campaign led him to the evil wizard’s tower itself. Here, Halloween Tim left his followers outside, and went in to fight the wizard one-on-one. Nobody knows for sure what happened inside the tower, but it is known that Tim was victorious, and was able to close the portal.

After that, Tim led his people to the gates of the king’s castle. The king wanted to make him a Duke for his services, but instead the people overthrew the king and established a democracy. Halloween Tim was elected the first president and served 34 terms, ruling fairly until the day he died.

Today, the legend of Halloween Tim lives on. Every group of friends or family democratically elects one person to be “Halloween Tim” that year and that person gets to judge their costumes and hand out candy and prizes.

It’s symbolic, you see, of Tim handing out violence and justice to the monsters that attacked his land.

 

If you liked this story, you might also like my horror/humor game, Pleasantville by Night.

Horror/Supernatural

Turns Out Lycanthropy Really is a Curse After All

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When we discovered the spell that let people turn into animals, of course everyone had to try it.

We all missed the obvious problem, though — you can’t fit a human intelligence into an animal brain. There just aren’t enough neurons or lobes or whatever. Trying to squeeze something so big into something so small, parts are going to get lost.

Let’s just say the term “bird-brained” took on a whole new meaning after that congregation in Hoboken decided to spend a few days as doves.

Actually, for a lot of people it wasn’t that much of a problem. Sure, the people who turned themselves into dogs came back with the mental acuity of five year olds, but they were also incredibly happy and loyal to their families and friends.

Some animals didn’t even seem to cause a problem. Chimpanzees, obviously, but people could also transform into crows or other more intelligent birds without much problem besides losing a few IQ points. The few who tried out elephants were perfectly fine. Some people who turned into dolphins actually seemed to get smarter.

It wasn’t all sweetness and light, of course. Afterwards, more than a quarter of the world’s population was below the level of mental retardation. Even those who weren’t, sometimes came back bad. There are more than a few who turned into leopards or tigers and came back as stalking serial killers. Most who became gorillas came back with anger management problems.

And then there’s the guy who turned into an ant. Everyone was expecting him to come back basically brain dead, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. What happened instead was horrifying.

Black Humor

Justice Served!

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Dorothy stepped out of the house and looked around in amazement. The twister had dropped her in the strangest land she’d ever seen. Everything was bright and colorful. The houses, the candy apparently growing from the ground, even the road was bright yellow. She noticed a few strange, very short people looking at her and smiled at them in what she hoped was a disarming way.

“You killed her,” one of them whispered.

“Excuse me?”

“You killed her!” he repeated, “You killed the Wicked Witch of the East! The horrible woman who enslaved us and mistreated us! She took all the food we grew, took our children and turned them into hideous misshapen flying monsters, kicked our dogs…but now she’s dead!”

“Oh,” said Dorothy, “Well it was an accident, but I suppose…”

“Murderer!” the man shouted.

“What?” Dorothy said, taken aback.

“Murderer!” he repeated, pointing at her accusingly.

“But I thought you hated the witch, I thought you were glad to see her dead!”

“Don’t get me wrong,” the man explained, “The witch was horrible and we are glad to see her dead. But killing someone is a crime, no matter what a monster that person was.”

“OK,” said Dorothy, “this is ridiculous. I’m just going to take her ruby slippers and get out of here.”

“Oh God,” groaned the man, “Now you’re defiling the dead? Police, help!”

Officer Munchkin was on the scene right away and he took the young murderer to jail where she lived out the rest of her days.

Remember kids, crime doesn’t pay.