Content Warning: Contains celebrities.

Elijah’s heart pounded in his throat. He was finally going to meet Daniel. They’d never met in person before (except for a few minutes at a press event years ago), though they’d been flirting over twitter for a while. But tonight Daniel had finally invited him over to his place. Surprisingly, he lived just on the other side of town, and Elijah felt foolish for not having realized it before, and also for not being the one to make the first move. He was shy, plain and simple, and he was nervous about how this meeting was going to go. Still, he really liked Daniel, and he was pretty sure that Daniel liked him, too, so how bad could things go?

Butterflies in his stomach, he rang the doorbell.

The door opened. There stood Daniel Radcliffe, in the flesh (and what beautiful flesh it was). “Hey, Elijah, good to see you,” he said, extending his hand.

Elijah Wood shook it and smiled. “Nice place you have here,” he said. The house was enormous.

“Oh, yeah,” Daniel said. “Well, after those Harry Potter movies, I had something like a billion dollars, so what else could I do with it? You know how it is.”

“Well, not really,” Elijah said.

“Really? I’d have thought those movies you were in would have…they were pretty big, I thought. What were they called? Lord of the Flies? No, it was something about the Twin Towers?”

“Lord of the Rings,” Elijah said. “And they were popular, but obviously not as much as Harry Potter!”

“Well yeah, obviously,” Daniel laughed. “All those preteen girls loved Harry Potter. A magic orphan? Way more exciting than elves or whatever was in your movie. Hey, you want something to drink? I already got started without you, sorry. You were late, so…” he shrugged nonchalantly and took a sip from his own glass.

“Oh, sorry,” Elijah said. “Yeah, sure, I’d love a drink.”

“Great,” Daniel said. “I’ll mix you up one. Let’s go ahead and go up to my room. I’m pretty horny.”

“Um,” Elijah said. “Yeah, me too, I guess.”

They went up to Daniel’s room. There was a minibar in the corner, and Elijah sat down on the bed while Daniel whipped up a top-notch mojito. Daniel came over and handed him the drink. Elijah took a sip and smiled. Daniel leaned in for the kiss. It was as magical as anything in either of their movies.

“Wow,” Elijah said afterwards. “It’s like kissing a mirror.”

“I know,” Daniel said. “That’s why I like it.”

They made out for a little while, until Daniel put his hand on Elijah’s crotch.

Elijah pulled away. “I’m sorry, Daniel,” he said. “This is just moving kind of fast for me. I’m not usually a sex-on-the-first-date kind of guy. Can we just talk for a little bit first?”

“Ugh, fine,” Daniel said, sighing heavily and getting up to mix himself another drink.

“So what are you up to these days?” Elijah asked. “I know you were in that play…”

“Yeah,” Daniel laughed, “I fucked a horse in that! Can you believe that! Americans are so weird.”

“I thought Equus was written by an Englishman,” Elijah said.

“Maybe. I’d believe it.” Daniel sat back down on the bed and took a long sip of his drink. “I also had another movie come out, too, something about a ghost or a house, I don’t really remember. I just did it because I was bored.”

“Oh yeah, and you’re in that movie about Allen Ginsburg! He’s such a great poet, I really love his stuff.”

“I don’t know,” Daniel said. “I don’t really read or go for nerd stuff like that.”

“Oh,” Elijah said. An uncomfortable silence filled the room for a few seconds.

“Oh, hey, listen, I’m so sorry,” Daniel said. “I didn’t realize. You finished your drink. I’m a terrible host sometimes. Let me get you another one.” He took Elijah’s glass and walked back to the minibar.

“It’s such a good idea to keep a minibar in your room,” Elijah said.

“Yeah,” Daniel said. “I have them in every room, actually. They were the first things I had put in. This house is so big, it’s such a pain in the arse to have to walk to the kitchen every time I want to get my drink on.”

He drained his drink, poured another one, then drained it again. Finally, he filled Elijah’s (and his own again, of course) and walked back to the bed. Elijah took the glass and sipped it gratefully.

“Hey,” Daniel said, fishing a bag out of his pocket and dumping two pills into the palm of his hand. “I’ve got some molly, what do you say?”

“Uh, no thanks,” Elijah said.

Daniel shrugged. “More for me,” he said, swallowing both pills and washing them down with the rest of his drink. He got back up and walked over to the bar again. “Sometimes I think I ought to pay someone to invent a nightstand with a minibar in it,” he said. “It would probably be the most useful invention I can think of. I should see if I can get that patented.”

At that moment, a man dressed in a giant dog suit walked into the room. Elijah blinked a few times and rubbed his eyes.

“How’s it hangin’?” the dogman asked. “Not at all for me, since this asshole over here got me fixed.” He jerked a thumb towards Daniel as he plopped down on the bed next to Elijah. Reaching under the bed, the dogman pulled out an enormous bong.

“Uh…that’s your dog?”

“What, are you afraid of dogs?” Daniel asked. “Shake, boy!”

The dogman held out a handpaw and blew a cloud of smoke. “Name’s Wilfred, pleased to meet ya.”

Elijah shook the dogman’s handpaw gingerly. “He’s very…uh…big.” The dogman was at least six feet tall.

“You haven’t even seen me when I’m excited!” the dogman laughed as Elijah recoiled. “Don’t worry though, mate, I’m not gonna join in, I just like to watch.”

“Hey, Dan, thanks for having me over,” Elijah said, “But I just remembered I have to…do something tomorrow.”

“Oh, hey, I’m sorry, I should have known you were afraid of dogs. Here, let me put him up.”

“Aw, come on, mate, don’t make ‘im put me in solitary! I was just joking about watching, I’ll go back in the other room and give you two some privacy. Just try to keep it down with the squeaking and groaning and all, I’ve got pretty good hearing y’know.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Elijah said, standing hurriedly. “I just, uh…”

“Really?” Daniel said, placing a hand on Elijah’s arm, “Can’t you stay over for a little bit? I mean, if we start now it’ll only take five minutes.”

“No, sorry, it’s been fun.” Elijah said, rushing out the door. “I’ll call you!”

“Damn it,” Daniel said sadly, scratching the dog behind the ears. “Another night alone, stuck playing with my own wand again.”

 

Alternate title: One Cockring to Rule Them All