Why would I want to talk to the dead? What could we possibly have to say to each other that would be of any interest?

“So I tried out this new pizza place the other day….”

“I haven’t eaten anything in 25 years. Way to rub it in.”

“Oh sorry. Let’s talk about you, then. What’ve you been up to?”

“Oh you know, not much. Just kind of floating around, rattling chains, moaning spookily, regretting having died with unfinished business, the usual. It’s been pretty lonely, really, it’s hard to get out when your physical manifestation is tethered to the spot you died.”

“That’s cool,” I’ll say, meaning the exact opposite. “Well, it’s been fun, but I gotta go.”

“Really? You just got here. What do you have to do?”

I don’t have to do anything, I’m just sick of talking to this boring dead guy. I can’t say that, though. I’m a sensitive guy and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. So I make something human up and hope he doesn’t remember enough about being alive to realize what I’m saying makes no sense: “I have to pee. You know how it is. Damn these bodies, always with their physical needs and stuff. You’re lucky, really. Anyway, I’ll see you later.”

“No you won’t because I’m an INVISIBLE GHOST.”